Recently I've begun considering why it is that I get so unsettled. This morning I (once again) found myself wondering if I'm making the most out of this whole experience. There is just so very much to do and see and so many students here are well-traveled and well-read and have had so many experiences that I just keep feeling like I'm missing out and I need to ammend that and do more things and be with more people more often doing all of those things like going to pubs and punting and getting ice cream and coffee and making soup and having meals and drinking tea and writing papers...and then I realize that when trying to do so many things and wondering what it is I'm missing out on what I'm really missing out on is doing anything at all. I want to be able to do something and enjoy it, to be present in the moment and fully present, not thinking about what I need to do next or what my roomate is doing or how much more someone else is getting out of being here. Sigh.
I have no idea what I'm going to do about my fall break right now. Planning a trip intimidates me to no end, and yet I want to go places and do things. I could spend the whole time in London and have no lack of things to do, but who would I do them with and what would I do and where would I stay? All of these things are constantly on my mind whilst I still need to write two lengthy history papers that I've yet to begun researching and will be fighting tooth and nail to get books for.
I think I need to take more walks in the park and spend time wondering through the meadows and watching the ducks and the horses and the little children and the elderly couples and the young lovers (they're so easy to spot...sigh) and the dogs loose from their leads wandering freely. This, to me, is contentment. And this whole post (to me) represents the disarray in which my mind and spirit have been.
2 comments:
How do you do it? Amanda, your writing conveys feeling in a way that I wish I could express. My brain tends to get clogged in vocabulary in a vain search to find the adequate words to describe my emotions. You state it so simply. I will tell you this, and please know that it is a huge compliment...you'll just have to take my word on it, but your writing is what my literature professor, Rev. Rossow, would call, delicious.
My commentary on your emotional "crux", as it were, is this: Just enjoy life! Comparison is an ever present nuisance that needs to be pushed aside and told to get lost when it's childish whine begins. Enjoy where you are. Take some opportunities here and there, but make the most of the ones you find yourself in.
Much love is sent with this. :)
Aaron
I also love your writing. It's much more expressive and elegant than my own.
As for young lovers, are they cute young lovers, or, as is the case here, frighteningly open young lovers at the bus stop making out like they ought in the privacy of privacy.
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